Hilarious yet True.

Heineken Signs Senator Heineken

ONCE again, the life of another prominent figure from Bayelsa State is proving the fact that a man’s name opens or closes doors for him. Nigerians are aware of how the name ‘Goodluck’ catapulted Nigeria’s president from the creeks to Aso Rock. Now, it’s the turn of Senator Heineken Lokpobiri. The Senator, who sponsored a bill in the Senate last week, seeking to effectively hinder the ability of unions to embark on strike actions, was recently visited by unusual favour, as Heineken beer signed him up as a ‘Beer Ambassador.’ The spokesman of the beer revealed in a statement that, “It was a really easy decision to sign up Sen. Heineken. It wasn’t just because he’s our namesake. He’s an asset of inestimable value, because it’s only a man high on beer who can sponsor such a bill.”

Innovation Boom In MDAs

Contrary to the views of some critics, the recent music talent hunt show organised by the State Security Service (SSS) wasn’t a misplaced priority, but is part of an innovative strategy by Ministries, Departments and Agencies (MDAs) of government to diversify the nation’s economy. Information Minister, Labaran Maku, told newsmen that MDAs have finalised plans to hearken to the transformation message of the president and diversify operations. Hence, he said, the CBN would diversify into a philanthropic/donor agency, the Security and Exchange Commission (SEC) into a soft sell/gossip magazine, the police force into a fashion house with specialty in camouflages, and the NNPC into a lottery agency.

Nigerians Miss Obasanjo

Barely a week after ex-president Olusegun Obasanjo celebrated his 75th birthday, many Nigerians thronged his Ota residence to apologise for rejecting his third term offer. First to speak were comedians who lamented that since Obasanjo left Aso Rock, business has nosedived as there’s nobody so harsh to the eyes that they can “yab at will and get paid doing it.” Makers of Baba Blue, Vicks, lamented that they missed his croaked voice, which used to remind them of the enormity of the task and spur them to work harder to ensure that no other person lives with that condition. Also present were terrorists and militants who said they missed someone who would at least give them a good fight. The EFCC on its part, confessed that they wished he could return if only to make them a little relevant again, even if it’s only to fight his many enemies. The only notable absentees were members of the Association of Professional Praise Singers who said they didn’t miss Obasanjo because even though they had it good with him, business was now booming more than ever before. They said they couldn’t join the protest because they were busy at the new Goodluck Jonathan district praising FCT minister Bala Mohammed for praising President Goodluck.

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

Today we consider three truisms. Truism 1: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Ask Herman Hembe, the House Committee chairman on Capital Markets, and he’ll tell you so. The man somehow managed to bring out the sting in Arunma Oteh, the delectable and usually delicate head of the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) in a two-day mudslinging contest they called a committee hearing.  He’d probably forgotten Truism 2: He who lives in a glasshouse does not throw stones. Here’s what A Pinch... thinks about the whole episode so far. Oteh’s queries as regards Hembe’s credibility and impartiality are legitimate. But so are Hembe’s queries as regards Oteh’s profligacy and irresponsibility. Both of them are playing a high stakes game of Russian roulette. Unfortunately, it’s clear from their body language that their only aim is to play to the gallery and wage a propaganda battle. A Pinch has no time for such nonsense. That’s why Truism 3 is the most important of all: Arunma Oteh and Herman Hembe are clowns. They jointly pick the CeeCee this week.

The heart of a home is a mother
Whose love is warm and true,
And home has always been "sweet home"
With a wonderful mother like you!

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Just one little wish for you, Mom,
But it's loving and happy and true-
It's a wish that the nicest and best things
Will always keep coming to you!

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Sending this, Mom, especially to say
Wishing you a happy
And wonderful day...
And to tell you this day will always be one
For remembering the many
Sweet things you have done!

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Here's wishing you a Mother's Day
That's filled with every pleasure,
And a future that's as happy
As the memories you treasure!

Ote's Confession

More revelations have been coming on the reasons why Nigeria Capital market has been paralyzed.

Already, the House of Representatives and Director-General of the Securities and Exchange Commission Ms. Arunma Oteh are in loggerhead over fraud rocking the stock Exchange.

Oteh, who the lawmakers on Wednesday accused of large-scale fraud, fired back yesterday, saying Chairman on Capital Market Committee, Herman Hember made two different demands for money, totalling N44 million.

She said her refusal to give the funds was behind the hostility of the committee to her during the hearing.

Hembe first asked for N39 million to fund the public hearing on the activities of the capital market, she said.

Then, a week before the commencement of the sittings, he asked her for N5 million, which she also turned down, Oteh added, drawing the ire of committee members who made further allegations of corruption against the SEC director-general.

On Wednesday, at the first session of the hearing, Hembe told Oteh that documents available to the committee showed she used N850,000 for feeding on a day alone, and also spent N30 million on hotel bills.

Yesterday, Oteh reeled out her own accusations against the lawmakers, labelling the hearing as a kangaroo court that was worse than the atrocities committed by the late Ugandan leader Idi Amin.

She said last year, Hembe collected from SEC monies and a business class ticket to travel to the Dominican Republic for a conference but did not travel and never returned the money.

“Yesterday you had implied that as a regulator, that by having people on secondment from the private sector, it could undermine the capacity of the regulatory functions of the commission,” she said.

“In asking the SEC to contribute N39 million for this public hearing, you think that you are undermining your capacity to carry out your duties? You think that if Hon. Ihedioha, the deputy speaker of this House, being the nephew to Professor Ndi Okereke-Onyuike and having his wife work in Abuja office of the Nigerian Stock Exchange, do you think it will be compromising his capacity to carry out his duties?

“I will like to say to the Nigerian people to know that I do not think that I am given a fair hearing. I do not think that in 2012, after the efforts that the forefathers of this country have made with respect to ensuring that we have a democracy,that we will have kangaroo courts that are worse than what Idi Amin had in Uganda, and I do not think so.

“And I do not think that it augurs well for the Nigerian capital market because one of the reasons people are investing in this economy is because they believe that there is a democracy and they can come to the National Assembly and have a fair hearing.

“I do not think you have given me a fair hearing, I do not think, Hon. Chairman Hembe that it is appropriate for you to have gathered information from the SEC and without even asking us to verify that information, to respond to that issue and that you already made the judgment.”

Emerging reports have it that Fabrice Muamba is in a stable condition in the London Chest Hospital, after collapsing on the pitch at White Hart Lane.

The FA Cup sixth round game between Tottenham Hotspurs and Bolton Wanderers was abandoned this evening, after Fabrice Muamba suddenly collapsed on the pitch after 41 minutes.

Paramedics from both sides attended to the Congo-born midfielder for about six minutes, while his name rang out at White Hart Lane, as all the players and Wanderers coach Owen Coyle looked on distressed. He was then carried off on a stretcher wearing an oxygen mask to a hospital.

Bolton released a statement saying: “Bolton Wanderers can confirm that Fabrice Muamba has been taken to hospital following his collapse at White Hart Lane this evening during the FA Cup quarter-final.”

Think on your feet.
Good impulses spring from a happy readiness of spirit. For such a spirit there are no tight spots, no troubling chance occurrences, only vivacity and brio. Some think much, and then do everything wrong, and others get everything right without any forethought at all. Some people have reserves of antiperistatis [opposition by which the quality opposed acquires strength]. Difficulties bring out the best in them. They are monsters who succeed spontaneously and err whenever they have thought about something. What doesn't occur to them immediately will never occur to them, and there is no use thinking about later. Quickness wins applause, for it reveals prodigious talent : subtlety in thought, prudence in deeds

 Act boldly but prudently.
Even hares tweak the beard of a dead lion. Like love, courage is no joking matter. If it yields once, it will have to yield again, and again. The same difficulty will have to be conquered later on, and it would have been better to get it over with. The mind is bolder than the body. So, with the sword : let it be sheathed in prudence, ready for the occasion. It is your defense. A weak spirit does more harm than a weak body. Many people with eminent qualities lacked this brio, appeared to be dead, and were buried in their lassitude. Provident nature resourcefully joined the sweetness of honey with the sting of the bee. You have both nerves and bones in your body : don't let your spirit be all softness.

 Associate with those you can learn from.Let friendly relations be a school of erudition, and conversation, refined teaching. Make your friends your teachers and blend the usefulness of learning with the pleasure of conversation. Enjoy the company of people of understanding. What you say will be rewarded with applause; what you hear, with learning. What draws us to others, ordinarily, is our own interest, and here that interest is ennobled. The prudent frequent the homes of courtly heroes : theaters of heroism, not palaces of vanity. Some are renowned for their learning and good judgment : oracles of all greatness through example and friendship. Those who accompany them form a courtly academy of gallant discretion and wisdom.